Why are people self absorbed

And when they're not the center of attention, she adds, they may appear visibly bored or uninterested with their body language. Self-absorbed people can be very charming or interesting at first, Birkel notes. But you want to be mindful of this, he says, and pay attention to whether they show interest in you, too, by asking questions and simply listening. There's no doubt that spending time with someone who's self-absorbed, whether a lover or friend, takes a negative toll.

Not only do interactions with a person like this drain your energy, but you don't feel listened to or seen, she adds. And in the case of someone good at masking, because they know what to say, you can question whether they're truly self-absorbed. This, Birkel explains, can lead to someone losing their own sense of self and even doubting their reality. These are all hallmarks of a one-sided friendship.

When it gets particularly toxic, you may even start to "tiptoe around the other person's emotions and take responsibility or blame for how the other person is feeling," he says. And that can really chip away at someone's self-esteem and cause someone to internalize that blame, he adds.

The hard truth is there isn't much you can do to help someone be less self-absorbed. You can suggest therapy, but ultimately the work is their own to do. You want to frame the goal for yourself to get clear on what your boundaries are for yourself," Birkel says. Boundaries are key, he says, "So when you're with that person, you continue to have a voice and say what you need and want even if they're not happy about it.

So that might mean directly telling them how their behavior makes you feel or asking for a different dynamic when you spend time together. Make your communication clear and cogent, Neo notes, taking time to plan your script beforehand if necessary. And to protect yourself, she suggests being prepared to face some pushback from this person—the whole point of self-absorption is that they generally won't have your back, and it'll probably take some convincing to get them to budge.

Once you've set your boundaries firmly, hold to them. And if they don't like that, they're ultimately not someone you want in your life , Birkel says. From generally self-absorbed people to full-blown narcissists, the bottom line is, if someone isn't a positive presence to be around, drains your energy, and shows no care or concern for you, they're not worth keeping around. While it can be hard to cut ties, sometimes it's necessary for the sake of our own well-being.

If you think someone in your life is truly self-absorbed, and they don't respond well to your boundaries, do yourself a favor and don't offer them any more of your energy. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox! Main Navigation. Log in Profile. Saved Articles. Contact Support. Log Out. Your cart is empty. We all have narcissistic traits, and some of us simply have more than others.

The anthropologist Michael Maccoby draws a distinction between unproductive narcissism and a more productive kind, which is found in many successful leaders.

In a foundational paper , Jean Twenge coauthor of The Narcissism Epidemic and her colleagues reviewed 85 studies that surveyed more than 16, college students between and The researchers found that college students were becoming more narcissistic—by a full 30 percent from to around The results indicated no change in narcissism. They claimed that their analysis used a better statistical technique and less biased respondents; the participants here were introductory psychology students completing obligatory testing rather than students who chose to sign up based on a study advertisement, which might attract a certain type of person.

In yet another paper , Twenge and Joshua Foster re-analyzed data from the study led by Trzesniewski. By separating out the results by ethnicity, they found that narcissism rose among both whites and Asians from to But because Asians tended to have lower narcissism scores in general, and the Asian population at UC campuses increased during the time period under scrutiny, the overall trend may have been obscured. Twenge and Foster also objected to the data that Trzesniewski and her coauthors had used: While the earliest surveys came from UC Berkeley and Santa Cruz, the surveys only came from UC Davis, where students—for whatever reason—tend to score particularly low in narcissism.

Further studies in and found no rise in narcissism. But a paper by Twenge and Foster objected to their methods: Those low narcissism scores at UC Davis had highlighted the need to statistically control for which school the students attended, which would mitigate any campus-related differences in narcissism levels.

When Twenge and Foster updated their seminal study to include new surveys conducted between and , and to account for school, they once again found that narcissism was increasing. This paper revealed another problem. On top of this revelation, as Trzesniewski and her colleagues pointed out in , the NPI measures a wide range of narcissistic traits—from relatively benign leadership qualities to somewhat problematic vanity to a toxic sense of entitlement.

Another question is whether changes in NPI scores—giving a few more narcissistic answers than your predecessors did—reflect significant, observable differences in real life.

In sum, then, the debate is far from settled. Otherwise we would have killed ourselves off long ago and not survived as a species. It is this balancing which is important. It is like blood pressure.

Too high: we die. Too low: we die. Same with body temperature, weight, and a thousand other balancing acts of nature. It is doing so without regard for the needs, feelings and rights of others. Most of the people in this group have traits or even a full diagnosis of Cluster B Personality Disorders - Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial and Histrionic - but a person can be Self Absorbed without being in one of those groups, based solely on their behavior of being Self Absorbed: in a world of one, without regard for the needs, rights and feelings of the other people involved.

I also want to make the point that while it may be useful or helpful to know why they do this or the route they followed into this lifestyle, that is less important, for the purposes of this book, than the simple fact that they do it. My focus is the effect they have on you and the best ways for you to deal with it. The following are examples of traits and behaviors common among Self-Absorbed People. Their behavior is all about them. They lack empathy, the natural awareness of the needs and feelings of other people.